Advice wanted from long term married couples?

My husband was my high school sweetheart. We married when I was 21 and started a family at 23. We have been through everything, good and bad, he has put me through allot through the years and I stayed with him, he is a good provider, and good Dad. He is not a passionate man or romantic, he is pretty cut and dry if u know what I mean. I have always supported his dreams and sign on the dotted line when needed. However he always wanted me home where he could know where I was. I have worked a few part time jobs but overall he takes care of me. About 6 years ago he had an affair with one of my friends and I lost feelings for him that I have never gotten back. I unaware of the wall I was building inside. My children are independent older teens now. About 6 month ago I met a wonderful man just by chance I wasn't looking or planning but he stole my heart. I felt like I was waking up emotions that I never knew I had and laughed for the first time like I have not laughed in years. He is a passionate romantic, I never had that. He is everything I always wanted except one important thing He does not have much to offer in material things, but he loves me like I have never been loved in 28 years of my relationship with my husband. My husband found out about this man and demanded I end it and said ';now we are even lets go on from here';. He is planning on us moving out of state and I am scarred what to do. I had emotions waken up that I will have to put to sleep again if I stay, to never feel that kind of bond or passion with someone again like I did with this other man makes me sad. To stay with my husband means security and staying close with my children. I will have everything but passion and will sink back into an emotionless cocoon. If I chose my lover, my children will turn there backs on me and I will not have much monetarily. What is more important here? If I stay there is a very good chance when my kids leave I will end my marriage anyway if I find the courage. I am scarred because my husband is the only life I have ever known (until I met this other man) , yet sad because it's void of so many emotional needs. Do I take a shot on this new man and lose everything or stay put?Advice wanted from long term married couples?
honestly--how long do you expect the new relationship energy to last? When we meet people, our chemistry is out of tune with the new person, so we desire them a lot. Over time, that feeling will go away as it did with you and your husband. I am certain that if you can remember, you can recall how you felt when you met your husband...the new and intimate feelings.





The real question is...when the newness ends...what is left? You may miss your husband...you may not. There are a lot of considerations....providing is just a small part.





I would really think about it. You have a lot to lose on either side of this.Advice wanted from long term married couples?
There is a difference between being in love with someone and living with them. Everyday live presents problems that an affair does not present. You have to consider all aspects of married life.
Your kids are obviously more important, grown up or not, you don't want to lose them completely do you? I'm not married yet and even I can say that, if you married a unromantic man you can't expect him to change, that's what you signed up for. If you wanted truly wanted something else you wouldn't have married him
I think your decision about whether or not you continue in a marriage which you are no longer interested in should not include this other man. Right now you are not going to make a good judgement about another guy.





If you have ignored more than 20 years of unhappiness, who do you have to blame? It seems to me that you are going to slam your husband with a divorce when he actually didn't realize there was a problem.





I think you're probably screwed either way, but dumping your family for this other guy will almost certainly result in you being alone within a year. These things rarely work out.
You have to decide what is important to you? Do you need the material things to be happy? How will you live, where will you live, will you be able to support yourself if the ';love affair'; end? Have you tried counseling with your husband? You may not be able to put passion into him but you can make him aware of how you are feeling and why you were able to look outside the marriage for ';passion';.





After being with someone and going through so much for so many years, don't just throw it all away for a fling because he makes you feel good. Fight for your marriage, and make some changes there. What attracted you to your husband when you were 21. You loved him at some point, fight for that! Fix it, make some changes in yourself. Go back to school, find a job, do something that your find rewarding.





Don't depend on anyone else to validate who you are and make you feel worthwhile. If after you and your husband have made an honest effort to work on your marriage and you find you are still not happy or can't get past the ';wall';. Then and only then should you leave, but not for another. Only for yourself. Once you have established yourself on your own then you could bring someone else into your life.





I am sure this is not what you wanted to hear but honey, I have been where you are and made many mistakes. I am now remarried to a wonderful man, but it took me a very long time to get past my first husband, 20 plus years of total unhappiness, and finding out who I really was. Lots of hurt and anger, and here I am 10 years after the divorce remarried for 4 years and a very happy woman. Good luck you have a rough road ahead no matter what you choose to do.





Sorry this was so long.
I believe that marriage is forever. That was the promise that YOU made to YOUR HUSBAND and to GOD if you got married in a church. However, my mother in law went through the exact same situation that your in now. she was married for 30 years and had a daughter was a good wife and mother but she spent the last 25 years of her marriage not loving her husband. she met another man, and left her husband for him. this other guy didn't have anything it was so bad that they spent their first few night at a hotel. but anyway, things have worked out for them so far and she is happy. the family thought she was being very selfish and she is a selfish person. but we still love her and visit her. Everything has a way of working out.
Wow.





I can usually pin things down, but this is a really hard situation. I too am married to the ';cut and dry'; type of man. I know exactly what you are saying.





I would talk to your ';lover'; about it. Find out if he even wants a long term, serious relationship with you. Ask him how he sees your children fitting into the picture. Then you will know if you even have a choice.





Above all, do not leave your kids to be with another man. Only leave your husband if you will be taking the kids with you.





Otherwise, you need to stay with your family until they move out and are self reliant.





Best wishes
I had a similar situation and I am now with the ';new guy';...3 yrs after my divorce and I'm still with the new guy and we're happy. I got lucky I guess. Maybe you're lucky too. But to be honest.. there are days I miss my ex husband and the bond we had...even if it wasn't all loving all the time. You deserve to be happy though. My ex and I didn'thave any kids so I didn't have to deal with those ramifications, but you may have to. Its hard to explain but you may end up happy in love but at the same time your family life may be miserable. That's where I'm at right now. Just weigh your options and make a pro and con list. After you're done evaluate how much on the new guy list is built on emotions and lust.
I wouldnt run from one and jump into another. You have starry eyes because of what you haven't been getting in your marriage. Not to say it wouldn't work with the new guy. Its never to late to learn a trade so you can be independent and leave your husband. If its meant to be with this other guy then it will work out whether your out of state or not. Do your kids know how unhappy you are. You have to please yourself not everyone else.
Maybe you can take this opportunity to work on your marriage. Tell your husband that you need more and if he isn't willing to work things out then you want to leave. If that is what you decide to do, I'm sure your children will understand, especially when they see how happy this other guy makes you. Keep in mind that it may be the excitement of something new with this other man, and in the long run it may not be what you think it is at this point.





I think you should try to get on better ground with your husband before you abandon your marriage.
Life is too short to be unhappy. You are happy with this other man. You should be with him. Not with your husband. It's time to let go of your husband. Of course you should have divorce him years ago, but that's in the past. It's time to look towards your future. It's time for you to be happy again.





Now about your children. They are old enough to understand cheating. I am sure they had to know about their father cheating on you. If not, it's time to bring it up. I'm not saying you should have your children side with you as in who is a good mother or bad father. However, if your children know and understand that your husband cheated on you, and you are unhappy. Your children will naturally want you to be happy. Even if you being happy means you are no longer with their father.





What's important right now is your happiness. It's time to leave your husband. If you can, take your children with you, if they are willing. As you'll need to the support and love from your children to help you move on to a better life. A better life with this new man. A better life for your children. A better life for you in general.
Your marriage (in your own words) means security and staying close to your children, that it will end once they are gone, regardless. Why do you assume your children would turn away from you should you choose to leave their father? I think your making a lot of assumptions about what would happen if you made this decision (to divorce). You need to separate the decision to end your marriage from this person you've recently met, this shouldn't have anything to do with him. It should be about your resolve to live your life in a positive and rewarding way regardless of whether this man is in your life or not. I in fact would make a point to have that friendship remain platonic for awhile, until my life was settled. Based on your situation, you would not be left destitute, most states have an equitable sharing of marital property and measures to provide alimony (temporarily for people in your situation) until you can sustain yourself financially. Filing for divorce requires residency in most states (this can be 6 months to one year), so moving holds further implications for you. Whether you divorce or not is something that can only be decided by you, making sure you have a support system ready is the best measure you can provide yourself. Good luck.
Well, considering you married young and pretty much was a stay at home life - some might call that a bit boring - maybe it's time you start living for yourself lady! You only have 1 life and you're half-way through with it. Also, don't think it will just be so easy to put those awakened feelings of passion neatly in a box an never open them again...


Regarding money, it depends what's more important to you. I look at it this way, material things like money can be easily lost or gained for that matter - who's to say the other man can't get a better job or get 'lucky'.


Regarding your kids, I come from a broken home where one parent cheated and although I was very angry at first, I eventually understood and got over it and now we're closer than ever.





Reading your question made me light up btw - you give all of us hope!
I would suggest that you and your husband try to work it out with the help of couples counseling and marriage retreats. You both have been ignoring the needs of each other and instead of turning toward one another you have turned outward to get those needs met. An intact family is better than a family torn apart.





Give your marriage another chance to be saved. It won't be easy but anything of worth never comes easy. There have been many couples who have weathered far worse circumstances. Find some of those people who have weathered an affair and survived and worked through it. There are people out there who can help. Look for those resources, may I suggest looking in your local churches for classes regarding marriage/divorce or any other counseling issues that you may need.








Good Luck